Shhhhh...

Shhhh....it's a secret and it has been for a very long time.  Almost half of my life actually. 

It's the thing that's preventing me from really going any further in this writing until the air is clear with all parties involved.  I'm giving those in the know the opportunity to update certain people in their midst on a face to face level versus reading about my little secret over the internet.  I respect these people enough to want to give that opportunity, but it drives me a little nuts that I have to. 

I mean, this is MY life we are talking about here and it affects mainly me.  Yes, there are others, like my daughter, my mother etc., that it can and has affected and it can do so with devastating emotional consequences.  I suppose that's why I'm being responsible with my little secret. 

It has been the thing that doesn't get talked about amongst my family, other than say my mother.  It's the thing that I've only shared with those that I trust completely.  Just one of those things that has kept me from living fully and settling for less than I deserve.  Well, I'm done with that.  I'm done feeling like I have to be mindful of how my secret impacts everyone else, aside from my daughter.  How the world views you because of me.  Oh please!  This thing is not a part of who I am but it has partly brought me to where I'm at.  I'm finally at a point in my life to not necessarily embrace this but to look it in the face and take it head on.  Up until now, I've been dodging and weaving, hiding from it the best I can...through logic and questioning.  But until I really dig into this, I can't help others can I?  And I really want to. 

So the time has come for me to fully engage with this aspect of my life.  Not only on an acceptance level but not being afraid to put myself out there so that people can really see me, not just what I show them.  My strength and willpower was not something that was just naturally all a part of me.  This life and this secret, is a large part of why I know I can overcome anything. 

So until I get the green light (and if I don't within a reasonable time frame, so sorry), all will be spoken.  And really, it's not that big of a deal but to many people it can be a scary thing to confront.  Well, you confront it and I will live it. 

In the meantime, Shhhhh.....

We all have a story

We all have a story to tell.  Our story.   Our personal story which is the collection of our memories, our fantasies, the ups and downs, the awakenings, heartaches, tragedies, the achievements, failures and so forth. 

Most people feel like their story isn't spectacular or worth telling.  Then there are those who only ever want to talk about their story and never take the time to listen to the stories of others. 

Too many people travel through their lives living through experiences but never looking deeper into them.  Not seeing them with the eyes of a victim and asking "Why me?" but looking with the intention of how those experiences, good bad or indifferent, impact them, change them or force them to grow and become. 

My story has turned me on my head so many times that I believe, as a means of survival, I have been forced to make sense of this beautiful tragedy since I was very young.  Forced to look at it with eyes of wisdom and understanding.  To take into consideration the story of the others involved and what would cause them to act/react the way that they did.  To fully engage in a greater understanding of this play and to truly grasp that it has placed me exactly where I am today, and for damned good reason.  I believe I met these experiences this way as to be able to make some strange sense of it, to make it seem not so horrible.  Otherwise, I would have gone mad. 

This blog is a telling of that story and also what I have learned from it, about myself and about the world.  How this life has been a tremendous gift so that I can teach others how to become greater than the sum of their parts.  To find beauty and purpose in each and every event.  I stand here now, with an outstretched hand that says, come with me.  Get out of the mud and let's go sit in the healing warmth of the sunshine while we share a tear and a smile.